“How excited are you for the Boston Marathon?”
As the race draws near, this question comes with increasing frequency. It makes my heart rate jump 10 beats and my cheeks flush. My body reacts with excitement, but almost as quickly, my mind fills with memories of racing Boston in 2017. I remember sweating on the bus to the starting line, going out too fast for the warm weather and vomiting at mile 10, walking with my head down around mile 18, spending miles berating myself, and the deep sense of confusion and disappointment as I crossed the finish line barely under 4 hours when a day before I had no doubts that I was in shape to run thirty five minutes faster.
Last week, my close friend and SWAP teammate, Alex, asked me this question. I gave my typical tepid response, but I felt disconnected from the words. It was a rehearsed answer that no longer felt accurate. This training cycle has been far from perfect, but I am proud of the work I’ve put in and I’m genuinely excited to race. So why was I so hesitant to say that?
I had convinced myself that the best way to protect myself against the heartbreak of another bad race was to try to persuade myself and others that I didn’t care as much. I was erring on the side of being cynical and pleasantly surprised than being excited and disappointed.
Well, fuck that! Whatever happens on Marathon Monday, I am approaching this race with maximum enthusiasm. Because if racing the Boston Marathon doesn’t make me happy and excited, then I need to find a new sport.
The ruth is that I dreamed about qualifying for years, and I’ve dreamed about the opportunity to return for the last two years.
The disappointment I felt in 2017 had nothing to do with allowing myself to be excited about the race and everything to do with my inflexible race strategy and narrow definition of success. So my race strategy for this year is flexible and success will only be defined by my ability to smile through the suck, control the narrative in my head, and make happy memories.
Freeing myself to feel excited the last week felt like taking off ankle weights. I felt weightless on my last workout; literally doing airplane arms and smiling ear to ear as I clicked off miles at marathon effort. These past few days, every time someone asks me how excited I am I respond honestly: I can’t wait!
