Maximum Enthusiasm

“How excited are you for the Boston Marathon?”

As the race draws near, this question comes with increasing frequency. It makes my heart rate jump 10 beats and my cheeks flush. My body reacts with excitement, but almost as quickly, my mind fills with memories of racing Boston in 2017.  I remember sweating on the bus to the starting line, going out too fast for the warm weather and vomiting at mile 10, walking with my head down around mile 18, spending miles berating myself, and the deep sense of confusion and disappointment as I crossed the finish line barely under 4 hours when a day before I had no doubts that I was in shape to run thirty five minutes faster.

Last week, my close friend and SWAP teammate, Alex, asked me this question. I gave my typical tepid response, but I felt disconnected from the words. It was a rehearsed answer that no longer felt accurate. This training cycle has been far from perfect, but I am proud of the work I’ve put in and I’m genuinely excited to race. So why was I so hesitant to say that?

I had convinced myself that the best way to protect myself against the heartbreak of another bad race was to try to persuade myself and others that I didn’t care as much. I was erring on the side of being cynical and pleasantly surprised than being excited and disappointed.

Well, fuck that! Whatever happens on Marathon Monday, I am approaching this race with maximum enthusiasm. Because if racing the Boston Marathon doesn’t make me happy and excited, then I need to find a new sport.

The ruth is that I dreamed about qualifying for years, and I’ve dreamed about the opportunity to return for the last two years.

The disappointment I felt in 2017 had nothing to do with allowing myself to be excited about the race and everything to do with my inflexible race strategy and narrow definition of success. So my race strategy for this year is flexible and success will only be defined by my ability to smile through the suck, control the narrative in my head, and make happy memories.

Freeing myself to feel excited the last week felt like taking off ankle weights. I felt weightless on my last workout; literally doing airplane arms and smiling ear to ear as I clicked off miles at marathon effort. These past few days, every time someone asks me how excited I am I respond honestly: I can’t wait!

Becoming A Runner

Lately I have been feeling like Tom Hanks in Big, it's as though I fell asleep one night an awkward teen and woke up in my mid-twenties. I have have grown good at faking the maturity and confidence the 18-year old me would expect from someone in their mid-twenties, but without the genuine resolute in my actions and character.

Somedays it feels like everything is fluid and up for debate-- Where am I going to live? What is my career? Who are my role models? How do I like my eggs? It's exhausting. However, there are things I know:

* I can bike 100 miles

* The best way to start a morning is with a quad soy latte

* I am going to run a marathon

* I am passionate about politics, social entrepreneurship, and technology

* I enjoy writing

* I love dogs

* I am a city-person

* I like overcast weather more than sunny

* I am a good listener

* I am more introspective than outgoing

* I am not a patriot, but I cry every time I hear the national anthem

These things feel absolute and unwavering. They hold true on my best and worst days. Why isn't more of life charging towards things that are resolute instead of fretting over what those goals are (or should be)?

Recently, I have had two revelations. The first, is that as I get older, goals become fewer and less obvious. Graduating, getting a job, moving in to my first apartment were all goals that I worked for and that my whole support system helped me achieve, but as I get older there aren't as many of those obvious "firsts" to work towards. The second, is that maybe that is the point. Maybe being an adult is all about making those goals for yourself. Maybe, it's about defining new firsts and charging at them.

Four months ago, before I had fully realized these revelations, I signed up for a marathon. Four months ago, I hated running and I had never run more than three miles, but when I asked myself if there was any part of me that ever wanted to experience running a marathon I found myself intrigued by the challenge. Turns out being a marathon runner had unknowingly been on my bucket list and, as soon as I acknowledged it, I became passionate and driven towards succeeding.

Today, I can proudly say that I run 35-40 miles per week and ran the first half of the San Francisco marathon. I will be running the entire Nike Women's Marathon on October 14. I don't know if I will always be a runner, but after I cross that finish line I will be forever be a marathoner.

photo credit: dvdbeaver

Find Your Greatness

I fucking did it! I just completed my first half marathon! And now I'm obsessing over all things fitness.

Maybe I am still in an adrenaline daze, but I feel like running those 13.1 miles (along with 20,000 other people) enabled me to tap into this strength that I never knew I had. It's this feeling that I can defeat that voice in my head that tells me to stop and the excitement about the potential for this newly realized strength. This Radiolab episode on limits does a much better job summarizing the experience of pushing oneself and delves into the interesting physical and mental consequences.

Loving this Nike commercial:

"Somehow we've come to believe that greatness is only for the chosen few, for the superstars. The truth is, greatness is for all of us. This is not about lowering expectations; it's about raising them for every last one of us. Greatness is not in one special place, and it's not in one special person. Greatness is where ever someone is trying to find it."

Nike: Find Your Greatness. from NikeUK on Vimeo.

Go forth and find your greatness. 76 days until the Nike Women's Marathon!!